ihate you but i love you so much why did you leave me everythingwas going so well i dont knoww how to feel about you i dont kno wwhatto think i feel so sick thinking about you why
couldnt this just vbe adreamw hy did you do this this keyboard fucking sucks
howlong did you lie to me for, how long did you actually hate me. how was i supposed to know that our relationship madeyou anxious younever talkedto me. i did every;thing i could to make you happy i cabt believe thesethree years were a total fucking waste what the fuck is wrong with you
i want to talkl to you still but i cant say a word to you without crying and thinking aboyut a;ll the good times we had. how long was our relationship fake. why couldnt you just tellme how you felt instead of leading
me on for so fucking long why do i love you so much still why cant i get over you why whywhwyhwyyhywhw

ok so my mood changes very quickly, as you already know ▇▇▇...I'm going to be thinking about you alot for a very, very long time. I don't mean to sound creepy or obsessive
but i currently dont really care about that.This whole thing was very sudden and I wanted to give you some space for a bit and sometimes I wonder why I didnt ask if you've lost interest in me sooner, I could tell, you know.
I just didnt want to think about that, I didnt want that to be true. The more i think about it, the more i think that if i never said anything, you wouldnt have the balls to ever try to break up with me. I also wonder why you let this drag on for so long, if you didnt love me anymore why did you let me send you pictures, why did you let me make art, why did you let me ramble on an on about how much you meant to me, that you were the reason i was still alive today,
why did you fucking say that you werent losing interest in me a few weeks before this happened, why did you tell me that you'd love me forever, why did you continue to make things worse by not telling me that you didnt love me anymore.
This morning hurt me almost as much as my dads passing. Maybe it isnt right for me to ramble like this on the internet since i'll probably look at it later and be like "ew what the fuck".
I find it funny that this whole thing happens three days before our special day :•) dont you find that funny? I know you'll never read this, you seemed to drop me with ease as if i was just a weight on your shoulders.
god why did this have to happen, i know im saying the same shit over and over again but i just cant think after all of this.
you have no fucking idea how much you hurt me today, I never expected this from you actually..I know i wasnt supposed to put my life into you just incase something bad happened, but i did anyways and now im trying not to do something stupid
I really wish it was still 2017 yknow, haha. I dont know why i miss you already, I know you wont ever think about me again..unless, of course, you realise that your actions were fucking shitty
but knowing that you lied about loving me for months, i doubt that, unfortunately.
I hate this, I love you so much but i cant help but feel sick when thinking about you, knowing that we will never speak again. I dont think i'll ever get over you. I dont think i'll ever stop thinking about you.
everyday I'll think, "I wonder what hes modelling, I wonder what hes watching, I wonder if hes on his switch right now,
I wonder if he'll say awful things about me, I wonder if he'll ever think of me again and remember all the good times we had, I wonder if he still feels fine just dropping me like i was nothing to him".
fuck love, Its only a distraction from all the other shit life wants to throw at you.
You only have yourself to count on because everyone else will fuck you over. when you fall in love, its only a matter of time before they find something wrong with you and leave you.
why do you mean so much to me, I cant imagine a life without you. Why is this happening. fuck you. I cant let my mom know or else she'll go apeshit. fuck.
i really dont want to exist right now. I've been crying all day, literally. Im kinda glad this happened at my friends house and not in my own home, i'd get caught, yelled at maybe, or even guilt tripped for falling in love with someone online
I wonder how your parents will feel about this whole thing. I wonder if they'll question you or think that you made a poor choice....I know i cant control how someone feels but i dont really know what i did.
why were you "so incredibly in love with me" for the longest time, and then just suddenly decided, "ah, I dont like her anymore, but im not gonna tell her that! what a big brain moment"

10/24/2020 (about 8:00AM)

I dont know how to feel. at all. I told my mom and shes upset too.
I think shes going to tell the rest of my family, but hey support is support i guess. im still sad, and mad, but i dont know how to feel. I hurt alot, but i dont. I dont know. I know hes a person too, and i think i'll do fine
but i still cry when i think about all the stupid shit he was into. I dont like some games anymore, some foods, whatever i dont know. I just need to write down shit so i dont jump off a cliff. some people are glad that we broke up,
some people. think that its funny, and some people, dont care about anyone but themselves because they're abusive pieces of shit that happened to be friends with the person you loved dearly. maybe they made him think this way,
im not sure, but am i sure about anything anymore. almost everything i did was for him and now what do i do. I feel sick getting up knowing i'll never be able to tell him "good morning!! i love you!!" ever again.
i dont know. again, i cant change how he feels and maybe im overreacting but i dont think i'll ever heal, and IF i find someone else one day, i'll feel guilty, because i put so much love into ▇▇▇, yknow.
I dont know what else to say, maybe i'll feel different tomorrow, maybe i'll stop feeling sick, maybe i'll stop wanting to kill myself because of his absence. fuck.

10/24/2020 (6:42PM)

I feel like im getting worse, I know this only happened yesterday but I made the mistake of having no self esteem and putting my life into him,
he was the reason i got up in the morning and did all of the other shit i did. Point is, I really want to kill myself right now, and i dont feel like it'll change. I feel like this feeling will get worse and worse, as edgy as that sounds.
I've had a few plans but i really want this to be as painless as possible, yknow. I WANT to ask people for advice, but they'll just get worried and pull the whole "no!! dont do it!! you have so much to live for!".
yeah okay. I think whats making me feel worse is that i made so much fucking ship art back then and now when i try to find unrelated pieces of art, i just end up finding all the romantic shit that i made for him.
Maybe i should meet some really fucked up people, maybe they'll know the most painless way to go. I've been dizzy since this shit all went down yesterday, i constantly feel like im gonna puke and its fucking annoying.
Anyways, i'll figure out a way, I plan on killing myself on the 26th of october since that was supposed to be our anniversary. sounds lovely, right?
originally, i thought about slitting my throat with the set of X-Acto knives i got from my sister, but I thought that it might take too long and someone would probably find me by then, since my family is quite nosey.
I think the same thing goes with the whole "slitting my wrists in a nice warm bath" thing, that'll take even longer and be more painful. I'll figure something out. I kinda wish i still lived in oklahoma with my other family members.
when i lived with them, they had a backyard that went into the woods and eventually met a river thing that went through town. they also had a gun room because.....south ass. obviously they collected guns of all kinds.
anyways, my plan back in 2018 when i first tried to kill myself was to talk to my uncle about his gun collection over the course of a few days/weeks, learn about which gun was the most silent, even with the silencer on it,
which gun had the least "knock back" to it, and to use that information so that one day, late at night, i could get up and take it, go into the woods next to the river, and shoot myself.
I knew that was the quickest way to go and i wasted the chance, I didnt do it because i kept thinking about ▇▇▇
he literally kept me going, everything i did was for him, the thought of being able to be in his arms made me smile everyday. everything he did inspired me to do more, I just wish that lasted a little longer.
if i end up killing myself, maybe i'll see my dad again. thats a neat thought, isn't it. Maybe i'll meet the others that i was too young to know at all. you never know, that shit might be real.

10/25/2020 (5:05AM)

why the fuck do i keep waking up early. also why the FUCK do i now all of the sudden, see so many people with the name ▇▇▇, that never happened before all of this??
like ever since this bullshit happened i've met/seen the name ▇▇▇ literally fucking everywhere and it hurts. anyways thats not the point, i still feel sick and tomorrow is the day i've planned my suicide on
but theres so much that i dont know yet, Im not sure what i want to do, or even what i might actually be doing to kill myself. maybe things will line up correctly though and it'll happen.
I've been reading alot of what other people do but its the shit that i wanted to avoid doing because it would catch attention really fast and i'm not wanting any attention from this.
once again, maybe i'll find someone really fucked up to help me with this. I dont know, we'll see what happens.
i've been "trying" to tell people about my plan as a "last resort reach for help" but it seems really attention whorey and i dont want anyones attention from this,
being the center of attention stresses me the fuck out, which i think is whats making this hard too. I dont know. I just dont want to exist
I feel too sick to do any of the things that i used to do before, and now im having a hard time talking to the people who are still friends with him. so i guess if i dont kill myself tomorrow then i'll eventually sink deeper
into not talking to anyone until i really get the guts to do it. I dont know. Maybe i'll sell some of the things that were important to me, it'll get my family money and maybe it wont be such a waste when im gone. I think thats a good idea.

10/25/2020 (6:30AM)

shit. I feel awful but maybe its a good thing. I just had a long talk with a few friends of mine and it made me feel really good, I think for a bit i may have been blinded by all of my toxic thoughts
My mind was in such an awful place because i took the whole thing so poorly, and while im still hurting alot, and i might still have bad thoughts, im feeling slightly better currently.
I want to change myself completely from now on, I want to have confidence and i want to feel happy and do the shit that i want to do without hearing anyones bullshit on how i dress, act, feel.
at the same time though, im glad my friends were able to step in before i did anything stupid. They really care for me and i didnt see that for a long while. Maybe more will happen in the future.
maybe i'll be able to talk to him without getting sad. or maybe i should just break ties with him completely, i dont know. I havent said a word to him since the morning it happened,
and for now, i think i'll keep it that way. I know he probably isnt taking it as well as i think he his, i hope hes okay. I dont know.
I know one thing for certain though, I'm feeling pretty good.

10/25/2020 (5:20PM)

Unfortunately, all good things come to an end. With that said, I have a plan that I know will work perfectly and is almost painless. If anyone finds this, tonight I'm going to get antifreeze out of the shed and spike a flavorful drink of my own with it.
Two teaspoons are fatal for children and teens, I will be using three. I'm sorry it had to come to this, and I'm sorry I didn't say anything before I decided to do this. I've been suicidal for years and things keep getting worse.
I know that if I tell anyone then It'll seem "attention-whorey" and obviously it costs to keep me around, so I decided that this was the best choice. I know it's selfish because there are a few of those who care about me, but I'll eventually drive them away too.
I don't want to live long enough to see that happen, I drove away the only person who I truly cared about and I don't think I'll ever talk to them again. Everything that's happened in the past few years has been nothing but devastating, and I don't want to experience anymore of it.
If any of my friends or family members somehow get to this, I'm sorry. I know I just disappointed everyone who was close to me and I accept that. I apologise for putting you through everything, you spent so much of your time and effort on me and I haven't given anything in return.
When I'm gone, sell all of my items. someone else needs it more than I do, and I know that it'll add up very quickly.
Thank you to those who stuck around me despite everything I've done, you are all very strong people and I appreciate everything you've ever done for me.
I will drink the cursed tea tonight and I'll stay up as long as I can before I start to feel sick, since it takes almost 24 hours so kick in, as soon as I start feeling weird I will go to sleep and hopefully stay asleep.

10/26/2020 (9:35AM)

Ok. So things didn't go as planned, and I'm kinda glad it went out that way. I think I made a mistake. I don't know. I can't think, I think I took this really poorly. I think I'm going to try to get help
sometime in the future. I'm not going to write here anymore either, I'm talking to him again and everything is going well. I feel so awful, He seems so happy now. I think all I can say is, don't do what I did.
I think I'll be happy soon enough too. I don't know how the future might go, but all I can do is hope for the best.
I feel so bad for assuming the worst out of everything, I got so used to that being the case that I misunderstood everything he said in the beginning. He still cares about me and thinks I'm an amazing person he just didn't want a relationship, which is completely human to think.
We were so young when we first got into this relationship, we didn't know how it would work but we didn't even care about that. Though, I can see how after awhile, an online relationship with someone could get tiring.
You want to be with someone but when you're not actually with them physically, it strains you mentally. They can't be there for you in the real world when you need them the most. Sometimes you worry about things that you don't need to worry about,
and when you can't see their face, you can't read them when something IS wrong. Of course, I'm still sad that the relationship didn't last like I thought it would, but I'm happy we still care about eachother and can still be friends.
I think what I've learned is when things seem really bad, take a step back and breathe. I was so focused on what I lost, that I didn't even realize what I still had, which made everything really hard for me. I was so accepting of the end, I didn't think of TRYING to make things better for myself.
I think that's a good lesson to pull from this, and I'll do what I can to keep to it.
I once again want to thank everyone who helped me through this, It makes me happy knowing you all care about me.

10/25/2020 (8:00AM)

If you ever do read all of this somehow, I'm sorry. I'm sorry for acting like a fool through all of this,
I'm sorry for changing as much as I did, I'm sorry that the relationship didn't work out, and I'm sorry that through everything, we were afraid to talk about eachothers feelings. I hope you can find someone who treats you better than I ever could.
I know your future is important and your work depends on your own well-being which i, unfortunately, pulled everything good out of. I hope your future is well, and I hope you can forgive me by then. thank you for being with me when I needed it. It really means a lot to me.